


At the End of His Rope

by Lindelea



Category: The Lord of the Rings (Movies), The Lord of the Rings - All Media Types, The Lord of the Rings - J. R. R. Tolkien
Genre: Alcohol, Angst, Childbirth, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Illnesses, Major Character Injury, Minor Character Death
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-02-21
Updated: 2021-02-26
Packaged: 2021-03-17 17:27:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 7,687
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29596203
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lindelea/pseuds/Lindelea
Summary: 'Well, I'm back.' And there are many more stories to be told, even after the great tales are ended. The Shire is not all quiet and uneventful. Some years after Frodo's departure from the Grey Havens, the Shire faces a new set of threats. Can Merry, Pippin, and Sam save it once again? In the seventh year of his time as Thain, an overturned coach is somehow the least of Pippin's problems...
Relationships: Diamond Took/Pippin Took, Estella Bolger/Merry Brandybuck
Kudos: 4





	1. The (First) Problem

**Author's Note:**

> Content note for peril. Peregrin Took is well-known for his ability to find himself in unfortunate situations. With his ( _very_ expecting) wife and son at his side, he faces--or perhaps suffers from--danger once again.

'Why does this sort of thing always seem to happen to _me_?' Pippin asked querulously.

'What sort of thing?' Diamond asked gently, stroking his hair back from his forehead.

_You know perfectly well,_ his look told her.

She laughed, 'I have no idea what you're talking about!'

'You know!' he insisted. 'Falling trolls, flash floods, ice storms, stable fires, runaway ponies...'

'O those runaway ponies,' Diamond answered. 'You've had trouble with them more than once.' She kissed his forehead. 'Let's banish all ponies from Tookland.'

'I'll get right on't,' Pippin promised. He went back to his grumbling. 'I have to be the unluckiest hobbit in the Shire...'

'O no, not the unluckiest,' Diamond murmured. 'You married me, after all; didn't you tell me then that you were the luckiest hobbit in the Shire?'

'O, you're right,' Pippin conceded. 'What, then?'

'Careless?' Diamond suggested.

'I'm _never_ careless,' Pippin said, stung.

She chuckled. 'You're right. Impulsive, but never careless.' She caressed his forehead as a grimace crossed his face. 'Mmmmmm, perhaps we should just say "accident prone".'

'O aye,' he said, mollified. He gave a sigh. 'I tell you...'

'What?' Diamond asked.

'If Frodo were writing this in a book, I'd tell him to put in lots and lots of boring pages filled with routine happenings.'

Diamond's laugh rippled over him. 'We _have_ had lots and lots of boring pages filled with routine happenings,' she said. 'You just tend to skip over them without noticing, is all.' She kept her tone light, hiding her worry from ten-year-old Faramir.

Just then Ferdibrand came up from his inspection of the overturned coach. 'All right,' he said. 'I'm going to try to pull you out from under. Still wish we had some rope, though.'

'I think we left it back at the Ford, when we helped that stalled waggon,' Pippin said. 'I should have made sure it got put back into the coach. You know what the Mayor always says.'

' "I always like to keep a bit of rope handy," ' Ferdibrand, Diamond, and Faramir recited along with him.

'Well, it certainly would be handy right about now,' Ferdibrand said. 'All right, then, Faramir, you take hold on that side, I'll take hold on this, push down as hard as you can on your branch. It'll act as a lever and hopefully lift the coach just a little bit. And you, Mistress, try to pull him out from under when I say "three". Are we ready?'

'Right,' Pippin answered. Ferdibrand gave the count, and the four strained at their appointed tasks. Pippin gave a yelp as the coach settled further.

Ferdibrand rose, shaking his head. 'It's too dangerous without a rope, cousin,' he said. 'If we move it the wrong way it'll crush you. Right now something's holding it up, I can't see what.'

'So what are our options?' Diamond said, settling back, one hand on her belly. The contractions hadn't stopped. At least they were irregular, probably just false pangs. She fervently hoped they were.

Ferdibrand gave her a sharp look. 'Are ye all right, Mistress?' he said.

'Never been better,' she said lightly, shooting him a quelling look. Her husband had enough to worry about at the moment. 'So what are our options?' She took off her cloak, rolling it up and tucking it beneath Pippin's head.

'Either we wait for someone to notice our ponies running merrily down the road...'

'Merrily?' Pippin asked. 'Panic-stricken, more like.'

'...panic-stricken down the road, or I walk to the nearest dwelling to get help.' He looked at Diamond. 'I don't like to leave you here alone, Mistress.'

'Alone? With two fine hobbits to watch over me?' She smiled at her husband and son.

'Too bad the coach had to overturn in such a deserted stretch of road,' Pippin said.

'Yes,' Diamond agreed. 'On second thought...'

'What?' he asked.

She kissed him again on the forehead. 'Perhaps you _are_ the unluckiest hobbit in the Shire. Aside from being married to me, that is.'


	2. Special Delivery

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Never say that things are the worst they could be, or Fate will take the bit in its teeth and run with it... much like a string of runaway ponies. Diamond might have been expecting, but she certainly wasn't expecting _this_!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Content note for childbirth and a child being exposed to matters rather more adult than is quite proper. Young Faramir acts very mature for his age (ten, going on eleven), but events in his young life have caused him to grow up much faster than the usual hobbit child. Much like a young friend of mine who died at age six from cancer, after a long battle... she was quite mature, and articulate. (Always thinking of you, Heather!)
> 
> "The Old Gaffer's Friend" is what the Shirefolk call pneumonia, as it often sets into elderly folk and carries them off quite peacefully at the end. 
> 
> This chapter does not include any medical advice. As a matter of fact, any suggestions found within should be promptly ignored. Alcohol is not a good treatment for chills or childbirth, though the people of the Shire might not have known that.

'Faramir, see if you can find some blankets amongst the baggage. There's a chill in the air,' Diamond said.

'You ought to have your cloak back,' Pippin said, concerned for her, but she laughed.

'Carrying a babe everywhere I go is like having a hearth deep inside,' she said. 'I'm never cold these days.' She looked at him. 'I'm worried about you, lying on that damp ground. The last thing we need is another visit from the Old Gaffer's Friend.*'

'If I feel a cough coming on, I'll let you know,' her husband said. He was silent for a few breaths, then groaned.

'Does it hurt so badly, dear?' Diamond asked, worried.

'No,' Pippin said. 'I'm just calling myself six ways a fool. We should never have gone to Buckland.'

'Well, it wasn't all your fault, now was it? You were going to go by yourself, leave me to fend for myself in Tuckborough whilst you went off to see Merry... I couldn't let you go off in that way, without me to look out for you! Whenever the two of you get together, disaster follows close behind.'

'Disaster?' Pippin said, in mock outrage.

Diamond nodded. 'Disaster.' She gestured to the overturned coach, the darkening woods. 'See what I mean?'

Her husband laughed, but it turned to a grimace. Diamond raised her voice. 'Faramir, be careful! I think the coach is shifting; try to lift the bags off without putting any weight against the side.'

Faramir piped up in assent. Soon he was back with two bags. 'I think this one has blankets,' he said, 'and this other had brandy in it, don't know if it's still intact.'

Diamond checked; the bottles had been well enough wrapped to be still intact. The hobbits at Brandy Hall knew their business. She pulled the cork and held it to her husband's lips. 'I'd prefer it was something hot, but this will help to keep the chill off.'*

After he had drunk Diamond reclaimed the bottle and took a hefty swig herself. Pippin looked at her in shock, then memory stirred, the babe they had lost when she laboured too soon, and the midwife's attempts to stop the contractions by administering alcohol.

'The babe?' he whispered.

She smiled down at him. 'Don't you pay me any mind,' she said, but he heard the catch in her breath as she turned away to pull a blanket from the bag.

'Faramir!' he called sharply.

'Yes, Father,' his son was at his side.

'D'you still have your flint and steel?'

'Yes, Sir.'

Pippin said, 'I want you to gather sticks and wood, scrape underneath a fallen log for something dry for kindling. Start a fire, Son, will you?'

'Right away, Father.'

Pippin called after him, 'Don't go too far!'

Pippin reached out to catch his wife's hand. The face she turned towards him was streaked with tears. 'I can't stop it,' she said. 'I can't.'

'How long do we have?' Pippin asked softly. She shook her head. 'It'll be all right, Diamond, love, we'll get through this.'

'How many babes have you delivered, then?' she demanded.

'Well, none from under a coach, mind...' he prevaricated.

'How many?'

'Well, none at all, actually... but I was there when Faramir was born. I distinctly remember you squeezing my hand so hard you left it permanently bent.'

'That's something, I suppose,' she whispered.

'What d'you need to do, walk around?' he asked.

'No, I don't want to speed things up, I want them to slow down!' She took another swig of brandy. 'Ah, well, if it doesn't stop the labour it might at least make it more enjoyable.' Pippin coughed, and she held the bottle out to him. 'Here, you'd better have some of this as well.'

Pippin drank and passed the bottle back to her. She refused it, pulling the cork from another bottle, saying, 'No, that's all right, I've got my own.'

Pippin was shivering now, and Diamond insisted he drink a fair amount of the brandy. 'Well, I may die, but at least I'll die happy,' he said cheerily. 'Merry packed us some of Brandy Hall's finest, that's for true.' Diamond laughed and proposed a toast to Merry.

Faramir came back with his cloak full of wood, gave his parents an odd look, and began to build the fire.

Diamond suddenly put her bottle down and seized her abdomen, groaning. Faramir jumped to her side, and Pippin reached for her helplessly. Her groan changed to a terrible wordless cry.

'Mother, what is it?' Faramir said in fear.

'I can't stop it, I can't stop it...' she said, shaking.

'Faramir, it's your little brother, he's coming now,' Pippin said urgently. 'Your mother needs your help, lad.'

'I'm sorry, I'm so sorry,' Diamond gasped, but her son smiled down at her.

'It's all right, Mother. I've seen kittens and pups and lambs and foals born, even a calf this spring. They all went about the same way...'

'Good lad,' his father said. 'Your mother will get herself ready, you just be ready to catch the babe when she says.'

The boy nodded.

'How's the fire coming?' his father asked.

'It's laid, I just need to spark it.'

'You do that,' Pippin ordered, 'Then I want you to tear one of the cloths used to wrap the brandy into little strips, can you do that? And when you're done, take my knife and hold the blade in the flame until it's very hot, then lay it down on another clean cloth. Unwrap all the bottles, fold up the cloths neatly, have them ready, we can use them to swaddle the babe.' Faramir complied quickly and competently. Meanwhile, Diamond was preparing herself as best she could.

Faramir returned, laid a blanket next to his father, eased his mother down. 'You'll have to reach up under my skirts,' she said, and turned her face away with a blush.

Her son smiled down at her and said, 'Don't worry, Mother, I'm just going to pretend you're a pony for the time being.'

Pippin laughed and said, 'You do that, Son.' Stroking his wife's cheek, he murmured, 'The lad's got a good head on him, Diamond, he's old for his age; it'll be all right.' At the look on her face, he said sharply to Faramir, 'Get ready, I think you're about to be a brother.'

Diamond threw her head back, biting her lip, gasping for breath. As Faramir reached, he shouted, 'I see it! I see a head full of hair! He's coming!'

'Push, Diamond, that's a lass,' Pippin murmured encouragement.

'I _am_ pushing,' Diamond shouted. 'If you think you can do better you're welcome to try!'

'That's all right, lass,' Pippin crooned. He cocked an eye at Faramir. 'She's doing much better this time. With you, she called me all sorts of names, some of which I'd never heard before.'

'Aaaugh!' cried Diamond, and suddenly Faramir was holding a slippery, tiny body in his hands. He reached a finger into the tiny mouth to clear it, rested the babe face down on his forearm, gave the back a smack and there was the sound of a lusty cry.

'Tie off the cord in two places with those strips of cloth,' Pippin instructed. 'Tie it tight, then use the knife to cut between the ties. Good lad. Wrap him up, then,' Pippin said, 'And lay him on your mother's stomach.'

'No,' Diamond cried, 'No, something's happening.'

'Give me the babe,' Pippin said urgently, and Faramir passed the little bundle to him and lifted his mother's skirts again.

'There's another head!' he cried in wonder.

'Ah, Diamond, you've been eating for three all these months and you never told me,' Pippin said, cradling the babe with one arm and stroking his wife's hair back with the other.

Diamond gave another great cry, and Faramir had the second little body in his hands. This time he knew what to do, quickly tying the cord off and cutting it, then wrapping the babe and laying it on his mother's stomach. 'Looks like I got a little sister, in the bargain,' he said.

Diamond picked up the little daughter, crooning, 'Welcome to the world, little one! What a surprise you've given us.'

Pippin, remembering Faramir's birth, instructed his son in the necessary tasks following the birth. Soon the lad had taken care of all the details as competently as any apprentice midwife might do. He then took his cloak, wrapped the two babes together in it, and laid both in his mother's arms.

'Good work, Mother,' he said. 'You've done a fine job.'

Pippin chuckled. 'I do believe you used those same words to Lightfoot when she had her colt,' he laughed. He passed the bottle to his son. 'Here, have some brandy. You've done a man's job today.'

'I wouldn't say that, exactly,' Diamond smiled, blushing again. 'But he's certainly done some kind of job.'


	3. Getting Acquainted

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shirefolk (and many others) have a well-known saying: the more, the merrier. Pippin and Diamond certainly feel that way, though "merry" is not exactly the word they might use to describe the situation.

Father and son watched in awe as the newest additions to the family nursed contentedly. Diamond had managed to position them so that both could eat at the same time, much better than listening to one wail while feeding the other, she imagined.

'How do they know to do that?' Faramir whispered. His mother smiled at him, then looked back down at the babes.

'They're made to do that,' Pippin answered softly. 'They're proper hobbits, after all. First thing they did when they came into the world was to sing, the next was to eat...' One of the tiny fists waved briefly. 'And look now, the next thing they're learning is how to dance.'

'And how to love,' Diamond murmured, as one of the babes snuggled close to her and fell asleep.

Pippin gave the lad a nudge. 'Take another blanket and cover your mother,' he said. 'She'll be catching her death...'

Diamond chuckled, 'Besides which it's unseemly for me to be uncovered, even though you've seen about all there is to be seen.' She flushed and dropped her eyes, and the smile left her face.

'I didn't see anything,' Faramir said. 'I was too busy pretending you were a pony.'

Pippin coughed, and Diamond nodded at her partly consumed bottle of brandy. Faramir picked it up and handed it to his father. 'We're going to have to uncork another one soon,' he said.

'Why, did you want some more?' his father said, and chuckled.

'Now, don't you get him started! He'll be as drunk as a Brandybuck before you know it,' Diamond scolded.

'No thank you, I'm warm enough,' Faramir answered, and rose to throw more wood on the fire.

'What could be keeping Ferdibrand?' Diamond fretted. 'It's full dark and he's not back yet.'

'Maybe he got lost,' Pippin said, upending the bottle.

'On a road?'

'O aye, I forgot about that...' the Thain said. 'Well, if this were a story in Frodo's book, he would have got chased by wolves, or caught up with elves who'd feed him but say neither yea nor nay when he asked for help, or carried off by eagles...'

'Or caught by orcs,' Faramir said, in the spirit of things.

His father sobered abruptly, and Diamond said quickly. 'There are no orcs in the Shire, you know that. It's all right, love.'*

'Ummm, he ran into a pack of dwarves needing a burglar and got hauled off on an adventure,' Faramir said hastily.

'That's right,' Diamond chuckled. 'More grist for the mill, Mayor Sam will have to start a whole new book.'

'I'm hungry,' Faramir said suddenly. 'Got any apples in your pockets, Father?'

The Thain smiled. 'Sorry, Son, I'm fresh out,' he said. 'Gave Merry my last one whilst we were waiting for the Ferry.'

'As if he needed it!' Diamond said huffily. When Pippin looked at her in surprise, she went on, 'He's filling out nicely, with all that good cooking and the way Estella shamelessly stuffs him, while you've no meat on your bones!'

'And to think I could have married her,' Pippin sighed. 'Every time Merry opens his mouth to say something, she pops more food in.' He shuddered. 'I could be as wide as Gimli the dwarf by now. Would you still love me if I were twice the hobbit I am?'

'I would still love you if you were half the hobbit you are,' Diamond said fondly.

Pippin closed his eyes. 'That's reassuring,' he sighed.

'What is it, love?' Diamond said, feeling a stab of worry.

He shook his head, but she insisted. Finally meeting her eyes, he said, 'I cannot feel my legs, love. They've been numb for some hours now.'

'Perhaps the coach is pressing down on them, they're just asleep is all,' she said.

He closed his eyes again. 'O aye,' he said. 'Then I can look forward to the pins and needles once we haul the carriage off. Probably enough to supply all the seamstresses and tailors in the Shire.' Opening his eyes, he smiled and said, 'Are you going to keep those little ones all to yourself then? Hand one of them over, at least!' Faramir silently took up one of the babes from his mother and settled it in his father's arms.

Pippin sighed, pushing back the blanket slightly to peer into the tiny face. 'I forget how tiny babes are,' he breathed. 'Look at that! She's got all her parts in place. Have you ever seen such tiny eyelashes?' He brushed the little brow with his lips. 'What'll we call her, then?'

'I was thinking... Forget-me-nots are my favourite flowers, you know,' Diamond said.

'Forget-me-not,' Pippin murmured. 'Such a big name for such a wee lass.'

'What would we call her for short?' Faramir asked.

Pippin gazed deep into Diamond's eyes. 'How about "Ruby",' he said softly, 'After your sister? We'll never forget her, after all.' Diamond smiled, bending over the other twin to hide her tears.

Faramir spoke up to distract his mother. 'And what about my brother? He needs a proper name.'

Diamond laughed through her tears. 'We cannot call him Meriadoc,' she said, renewing an old argument.

'Whyever not?' Pippin retorted.

'It is just not Tookish enough! It is too much of a Brandybuck name,' she laughed.

'Just plain "Merry" then,' he said.

'No, that is not fancy enough to befit a son of the Thain,' she admonished. 'He's not a farmer, after all.'

'He's a farmer's grandson,' The Thain chided.

'Still. He'll be the Thain's brother someday, and needs a proper name!'

'Merianard? Merianald?* How in the world do we make "Merry" sound Tookish?'

'Either of those names will work,' Diamond smiled. 'And we can still call him "Merry".'

'Thank goodness for small mercies!' Pippin muttered fervently.

Diamond smiled down into the small eyes that had opened, staring up at her, unfocused. 'Hello, little Merry,' she said. 'Pleased to make your acquaintance.' The babe began to nuzzle and search. 'How about another drink?' his mother said.

'Sounds like a good idea to me,' his father said. Faramir pulled the cork from another bottle of brandy and handed it to his father.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The names discussed herein are not quite up to hobbitish traditions... but since when has Pippin been traditional? Fear not, all will be well...
> 
> The noodle - er, orc - incident referenced here can be found in _Seeing the Forest for the Trees_. Please be aware, however, that the contents are somewhat upsetting and may not be for everyone. I have not yet been able to update archive and other warnings for my previously updated stories, so venture with caution.
> 
> The story of Ruby can be found in _Flames_ , which has not yet been uploaded here - but keep your eyes open!


	4. Campfire Tales

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A good fire and a good story can keep even the darkest night at bay. In the midst of chaos, the first family of the Tooks get a moment to relax. Take a moment of your own to enjoy a good, hobbity tale alongside them.

Diamond stroked the hair back from her sleeping husband's forehead as Faramir finished his story.

'...and then the orc tripped the guardsman, and he fell into the stream and got his bath after all!'

Diamond chuckled. Faramir got up to put more wood on the fire. 'How's he doing?'

'He's asleep,' she said softly. 'D'you think you can tuck more blankets about him without waking him?'

'I'll do my best.' He eased a folded blanket under his father's shoulders and back, then wrapped another around his baby sister for good measure, making sure she could still get plenty of air to breathe. 'I think she's keeping him warm,' he marvelled.

'O yes,' Diamond agreed. 'Better than a flannel-wrapped brick fresh from the oven,' she said. 'More cuddly, too.' She smiled down at her own bundle. 'Would you like to hold your brother a bit?'

'I thought you'd never ask,' Faramir said, settling next to his mother and holding out his arms. 'I've waited a long time for him.'

Diamond smiled down at her two sons. 'I know you have,' she said softly. 'The best things are worth waiting for.'

'O yes, they are,' her eldest son agreed, cuddling the babe close. His eyes widened as he looked up at Diamond. 'You're right,' he said in wonder. 'He's better than a bedwarmer!'

She laughed. 'He is at that,' she agreed. Looking into the fire, she sighed as she stroked her husband's hair.

The white Moon rode high above the treetops, casting his cold light upon the nearby road.

'I wonder where Ferdibrand is,' she said softly. 'I hope he hasn't fallen in a ditch.'

'Or been kidnapped by wayward dwarves,' Faramir answered. He yawned and stretched, and cuddling the babe with one arm, got up and draped another blanket over his mother. 'That's the last blanket,' he said.

'O Faramir...' she began.

He interrupted. 'I'm fine, don't worry about me! I have my own bedwarmer, fresh from the hearth, remember?' He saw the worry in her face, looking down at his father, before she turned to him and smiled again. 'How about another story?' he said.

'I'd like that,' his mother answered.

'All right, then,' he said, falling easily into his father's storytelling lilt. 'An elf, a dwarf, and a Ranger went a-journey in the Wilds of Middle-earth upon a time; d'you remember their names, now?'

'Legolas,' his mother smiled.

'Yes, Legolas was the elf's name, and the dwarf was...'

'Gimli.'

'And the Ranger's name doesn't matter, for Rangers never give their names, not their true names anyhow, suffice it to say he was a Ranger, and a grubby one for all that.'

Having met the King a few years earlier at the Brandywine Bridge, Diamond only smiled and shook her head. He had cleaned up handsome enough.

'Well, one day, don't you know, they camped aside the laughing waters of a tumbling stream and as they sat down to a cold meal of waybread and dried meat, the keen-eyed elf saw a fish jump. He was on his feet in an instant.' The lad sat up straight, his expression somehow becoming that of a hungry, keen-eyed elf.

' "What is it?" the Ranger asked, hand to his sword. "Is there an enemy approaching, Legolas?" '

' "Yes," said the elf softly, (for you know they speak stiff and proper, elves do), "a veritable army waits to be slain." He smiled then, and the Ranger relaxed. "I have a hunger for freshly caught fish, can I interest you in the endeavor?" '

' "We really ought not have a fire..." the Ranger began, but the elf interrupted him.'

' "The wood is dry and will make little enough smoke," he said. "And I think the Fellowship will travel all the better on the morrow for a good meal now." His companions agreed, and he and the Ranger walked to the stream. They had fished together before, you see, and each knew his place. There were great bodies moving under the waters, and the companions' mouths began to water even as they watched.' In his eyes, the boy's mother could see the flicker of fins beneath the surface of a fast moving stream.

'And so the elf skipped across the slippery stones as light of foot as a hobbit treading his garden path in the cool of the evening,' he went on. 'Suddenly he dipped to the surface of the water, and quicker than your eye could see he flipped a fish into the air, right to the Ranger, who caught it, slapped it against a rock, and tossed it on the bank, standing ready for another.'

Holding the sleeping babe in one arm, the lad's other hand gestured expressively, and Diamond could almost picture the scene. 'One fish, then two, then three they caught, and then he gazed long into the stream whilst the companions watched the great shapes moving lazily in the current.'

Diamond nodded, having heard the story many times, but enjoying the retelling with all the same cadences that her husband used to tell it.

'Now remember, there was a dwarf in the party...'

'Gimli,' she put in, as expected.

'O aye, that's right, and he was a mite impatient, he was. He stepped for'ards, saying, "We might as well die of hunger before you finish your task! With all the big fish in the stream, why don't you catch just one and be done with it!" '

' "Why don't you give it a try?" shouted the elf with a laugh. "Let's see who can catch the bigger fish! Would you like to put a wager on it?" The wood elves are great ones for playing games and wagering you know.'

'Yes, I'd heard that,' Pippin murmured, and Diamond looked down to see him awake, watching his son with mingled amusement and pride.

' "You're on!" cried the dwarf, "Just watch how a dwarf fishes! Why, 'tis as easy as..." '

'One, two, three!' Pippin and Diamond chimed in.

The lad nodded, continuing. 'And so the dwarf went a-wading into the stream, poised tensely above the water, waiting for a monster to come to him. But alas, just as he bent to the water, a treacherous rock turned beneath his foot and threw him into the stream. The playful water became suddenly a beast of prey, seizing the dwarf in its claws, dashing his head against a rock to subdue him, clutching him and dragging him down to where the rapids would toss him like a cat with a hapless mouse.'

Pippin uncorked his bottle of brandy and took a swig, corked it again, and motioned for Faramir to go on.

'The Ranger dashed along the bank, but the elf ran lightly from rock to rock in the midst of the stream until he outraced the current and turned back. He seized the dwarf as best he could, taking him by his beard and dragging him to the shore to the arms of the waiting Ranger. Together they pulled him up on the bank and squeezed the water from his lungs. And while they awaited his awakening, they caught the rest of the string of fish and fried up a fine fish supper...'

Diamond saw Pippin shiver, and urged him to drink some more.

'I hate to drink alone,' he said, so she toasted him with her own bottle, taking the merest sip. She wasn't the one lying on the cold ground under a coach, after all.

'Drink up,' she said. 'There's more where that came from.' He finished the bottle and she uncorked another, just to be ready for him when he needed it. 'Go on, Faramir, we're listening.'

'Well, some time later the dwarf awakened and wanted to know what happened. The elf was delighted to enlighten him. We'd saved him some fish, as a matter of fact, but for some reason he'd lost his taste for them that night. Glowering from under his bushy eyebrows, and fingering his beard as if suspicious that somewhat might have happened to it whilst he slept, he muttered, "We'll just have to have our fishing contest another time." '

The boy stopped to adjust the blanket around his little brother, then looked up again. ' "Oh, no, Master Dwarf, we won't!" cried the elf. "What d'you mean, Master Elf?" the dwarf growled.' The boy stopped to grin.

' "Why, you see, Master Dwarf," chuckled the elf, "I've already won the contest! You see, I've caught the biggest fish of all! Just as easy as one-two-three!" '


	5. More Guests Arrive At The Party

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The rescuers have finally arrived! Surely the bacon has made it safely out of the frying pan?

When the rescuers arrived, the Thain was singing a completely disgraceful song he'd learned off a soldier of Gondor. Diamond and Faramir were doing a creditable job of harmonizing on the choruses.

Ferdibrand Took shook his head at the sight. 'Drunk as a Brandybuck,' he sighed, noting the discarded bottles.

Pippin finished the last chorus and blinked up at the rescuers. 'O hullo, cousin,' he said blearily to Ferdibrand. 'How about a drink?'

'No, thank you, Sir,' Ferdibrand answered.

'Don't mind if I do,' the Thain said, raising his bottle.

Diamond giggled. 'I don't think you need any more, love,' she said. 'The rescuers have got here.'

'They have?' the Thain asked pleasantly, blinking at her. 'O yes, so they have,' he agreed, then looked down at the bottle, shaking it as if to ascertain the contents. 'Wonderful stuff,' he said. 'Very good vintage.' He tried to focus on Ferdibrand who had crouched by his side as other hobbits were affixing ropes to the coach and throwing them over sturdy tree branches above. 'Kills the pain, you know.'

'Are you in much pain, cousin?' Ferdibrand asked sympathetically, and not without a stab of alarm.

The Thain laughed. 'No, none at all!' he gasped. 'See how well it works?'

Ferdibrand shook his head, meeting Faramir's eye as the Mistress giggled. The lad simply shrugged and rolled his eyes, and suddenly Ferdibrand had to stifle the impulse to laugh. Poor lad, what an ordeal.

'How were the wolves?' Diamond asked. 'Did you give them our regards?' ...and she and the Thain were off again in a gale of laughter.

'Wolves?' Ferdibrand said.

'Don't ask,' Faramir muttered.

Just then, Ferdibrand heard the unmistakable sound of a baby's cry. Smiling mischievously, the Mistress pushed aside the blanket wrapped about her. 'Meet your newest cousin,' she said.

'And don't forget his sister,' added the Thain, patting his own blanket. Ferdibrand stared in shock at Faramir, who nodded and smiled. He shook his head. It was a wonder the lad hadn't followed his parents' example and taken to drink.

A hobbit stepped up to them, saying quietly, 'We're ready.'

'Right,' Ferdibrand said. He reached down to unwrap the blankets around the Thain, finding the babe. 'Let me greet her properly,' he said. Picking up the blanket-wrapped bundle, he smiled at the perfect little lass, peacefully asleep, face screwed up in an expression of intense concentration. 'Hullo, cousin,' he said softly. 'Welcome to the world.' He turned to hand the babe into Faramir's waiting arms, then bent again to take the Thain under his armpits. Looking up at the waiting hobbit, he nodded and said, 'Ready.'

The other stood back and waved his lantern. 'Ready! On three!' he shouted. He gave the count, and on the last number the hobbits hauled together on the ropes, the coach lifted slightly, and Ferdibrand pulled on Pippin as hard as he could, falling backwards with the Thain atop him. Bare seconds later the coach shuddered as it slipped from whatever had propped it in the first place and settled lower in the ditch.

Breathing heavily, Ferdibrand clutched at the Thain. He felt Pippin's shoulders shaking, and crawled out from under him. 'How badly are you hurt, Sir?' he asked, then realized that the Took was shaking with laughter.

Finally the Thain ran a hand across his eyes and spoke. 'See,' he said to Diamond. 'I told you it would be no trouble at all. Just "one, two, three" and...' he was off again, laughing. The Mistress joined him in merriment, and Ferdibrand shook his head.

 _Ah, well._ He supposed it could have been worse. Much worse. He bent to the Thain. 'I suppose I'll have that drink now.' He accepted the half empty bottle that Pippin extended to him and took a long, satisfying swig. Brandy Hall had indeed sent its finest. 'Come on, now, you lot,' he said. 'Fun's over for the night. Let's get you all "out of the chill and under a hill".'

'I'll drink to that,' the Thain said cheerily.


	6. Farmouse Hospitality

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Out of the frying pan, into a cozy farmhouse. All will be well. The end. Ignore the other 90 chapters. Or take a minute to relax, lay your head down on a goose-feather pillow, and rest. You and Pippin will need it.

A grizzled hobbit with a healer's touch knelt beside the Thain. 'Let me check him over quickly before we move him any further,' he said to Ferdibrand. He looked penetratingly into the Thain's face. 'Good evening, Sir, I am Botham, healer in these parts.'

Pippin nodded back, 'Lovely evening,' he said. The healer went over him quickly, then bent at Pippin's head again. 'Let's get him into the waggon. Carefully, now.' Several hobbits worked together to ease the Thain onto a blanket, then using the blanket as a stretcher, lifted him in to the first waggon, nestling him on a straw tick that had been placed on the waggon bed and cocooning him with blankets. Diamond and Faramir were handed up next, and as soon as they were settled, the babes were placed in their arms. Botham climbed in, then Ferdibrand settled himself, called to the driver, and they were off at a slow pace.

'The others will salvage all they can of the baggage tonight,' Ferdibrand told them, 'and in the morning we'll see about the coach.'

'Did we salvage any of the brandy?' Diamond asked.

Ferdibrand frowned at her, for all she was Mistress, but she jerked her chin significantly at the Thain and his cousin realized that Pippin was beginning to shiver violently. 'We'll get him warmed up soon,' he said. The healer had noticed the shivering also, and spoke to the driver. The ponies began to trot. Lantern carrying riders went before to light the road. There would be no more overturning this night if Ferdibrand could help it.

It seemed to Diamond a long time before she saw welcoming lights pouring from the windows of a sprawling farmhouse. Her husband spoke, and she bent closer to hear. 'N-n-next t-time let's overturn the c-coach a little c-c-closer to civilization, shall we?' he chattered.

'Yes, let's do,' she agreed, tucking the blankets more tightly about him, for all the good they seemed to be doing. The waggon pulled up before the door, and the healer jumped out, shouting orders. Diamond and Faramir followed as Ferdibrand helped carry the Thain into the kitchen, where a steaming tub of water waited.

Hearing that she'd delivered the babes by the roadside, the farmer's wife placed a gentle hand on Diamond's arm. 'Come, Mistress,' she said. 'Let's get you clean and comfortable as well, and you can attend him again.' Diamond allowed herself to be led away. It was a relief to get cleaned up and changed into warm, dry clothing. The farmer's wife smiled as she lifted the simple shift over Diamond's head. 'I haven't worn this since my last babe came two years ago,' she said. She wrapped a shawl about Diamond's shoulders, then took up a brush and gently brushed out the tangled curls, picking out leaves and twigs, braiding the hair and fastening it neatly up. 'There you are, my lady,' she said warmly, and Diamond thanked her.

The two eldest daughters brought in the babes, clean and fresh, diapered and clothed, and nestled them in Diamond's arms to nurse. One whispered that young Faramir had fallen asleep in his supper and had been borne off to a bed to sleep. 

'Oh!' Diamond said. 'We are so very much in your debt.'

'No trouble at all,' came the answer. 'Poor lad was all in.' Diamond had no doubt about that. She didn't know how they'd have managed without the lad's help.

While Diamond's arms were engaged, the farmer's wife fed her warm, nourishing soup; then the two mothers chatted about various childbirths they'd attended or experienced as the daughters settled the babes for a nap.

'Would ye like to take your rest now?' the farmer's wife asked, and Diamond shook her head. 'Take my arm, then, we'll go back to the kitchen.'

Pippin was still in the steaming bath, kept hot with fresh additions of water from the stove, face tight with the pain of returning circulation in his legs, and the healer was coaxing hot sweet tea into him. Diamond took up her husband's hand to add her encouragement. 'Come, love, drink it now, do,' she said. 'It'll help you get warm.' She looked up at the farmer's wife. 'He'd drink for you better if it were hot milk with honey and a touch of nutmeg,' she said. 'It's about the only way he'll take honey willingly.'

'Aye, and put some brandy in't,' the healer added. 'I'd take some of that, myself.' Diamond smiled.

'I'll get right on't,' the farmer's wife said. She was as good as her word, and they were able to get several cups of the warmed milk into the Thain before his eyelids drooped and his chin began to nod.

'Bed's all ready,' the farmer's eldest daughter said. 'All warmed up, and we've fresh bricks in the oven.'

'Right, then,' the healer said. Soon the Thain was out of the tub, dried, and in the bed. The healer had made a quick examination upon their arrival, pronouncing no bones broken, and said, 'I'll check him over more carefully after he's had some sleep, Mistress. The thing that worries me most at the moment is the chill he's taken, and we've done about all we can do about that.' He fixed Diamond with his eye. 'And now, if you'll just climb into the bed next to your husband, I'd like to take a quick look at you.'

She hesitated, wishing for the familiar comfort of Healer Woodruff, then complied. He was gentle and quick, and soon she was tucked under the covers next to her husband, drifting off to sleep. She almost didn't hear the farmer's wife say, 'We'll bring you the babes when they wake.' Nodding sleepily, she turned to wrap her arms about her slumbering husband, soon joining him in dream.


	7. Morning After

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Well," Pippin said, raising a trembling hand to rub the back of his neck. "We seem to have a problem."

Pippin slept through until morning, not even waking when Diamond was roused to nurse the twins. He was muzzy when he finally turned over, and she kissed his forehead with a smile. 'Good morning, my love.'

'Is it?' he muttered.

'Mmmm,' she said. 'Methinks we overdosed you last night, trying to keep you warm.'

'Methinks you are right,' he said, turning over and pulling the pillow over his head.

A tap came on the door and the farmer's wife entered with a tray. 'Good morning,' she smiled. 'Are we awake yet?'

There was a groan from under the pillow, and Diamond answered, 'No, not exactly. I think we are not quite ready to greet the day.'

'Ah. Perhaps a cup of tea, then,' the farmer's wife smiled. 'By the way, we weren't properly introduced last night, in all the bustle.' She put the tray down on the dresser and turned to make a courtesy. 'I'm Columbine Took, at your service, Mistress.'

'At yours, and at your family's,' Diamond answered properly. 'You've already done a great service. Thank you for your hospitality.'

'It's the least we can do for The Took and his family,' Columbine answered.

'Biney! we're off!' came the farmer's voice, and a distant door slammed.

'They're going to try to raise your coach,' Columbine said. 'Your lad's gone with them, by the way, and I made sure he had a good breakfast first. But as I was sayin'... If nothing's bad amiss with it you can continue on to the Great Smials later today. Otherwise, you're welcome to stay as long as you need.'

'Thank you,' Diamond said. She heard the babes stir, the crowing noise that meant it was someone else's breakfast time.

'Here,' Columbine said, pouring out a cup of tea and adding milk and honey. 'You get this down quick whilst we get the babes ready for their breakfast.' She took up one little bundle, and her eldest daughter came in to take the other, and cooing and chuckling they took the babes out.

'Pippin, love, would you like a cup of tea?' A wordless moan answered her, and she grinned and turned to her own cup. She was just finishing as the babes reappeared, and soon their nursing was the only sound in the room.

Diamond enjoyed a hearty breakfast in bed whilst her husband steadfastly remained under his pillow. She nudged him, but he made no answer. 'You really ought to eat something, sweetheart.'

'You're not going to start that again,' he came up long enough to mutter. 'You're as bad as Estella.' He buried himself once more.

Midmorning, Columbine came in with a covered mug. 'Healer's orders,' she said cheerfully. 'We're to put the Thain out of his suffering.'

'We've already had the burial,' Diamond said. 'Let me see if I can unearth him again.' She nudged her husband. 'My love, the stables are afire and the roof of the Smials has fallen in.'

'That's nice,' Pippin said from under the pillow. 'Call me when the flames burn nicely down to coals; we'll roast mushrooms and bacon then.' She tickled him and he slapped her hand away, finally coming to the surface.

'Good morning, Sir,' Columbine said unperturbed. 'The healer says you're to drink this all down at one go, while it's still hot. It'll do your head some good.'

'Taking my head off would do the most good, I suspect,' he muttered, but he gulped down the tea and handed back the mug with gruff thanks. She made him a graceful courtesy (Diamond suspected she'd been practicing once the Thain was housed under her roof) and left the room.

There was another tap on the door.

'My, we're popular this morning,' Pippin said. 'Come!'

Ferdibrand stuck his head in. 'You unpickled yet?' he asked.

'Not quite, but getting fresher every moment,' Pippin answered.

Ferdibrand laughed and entered the rest of the way. 'Good morning, Diamond,' he said.

'Good morning to you, too!' Diamond said. 'How's the coach?'

'Remarkably intact, just a few scratches and tears. The structure is sound. We can be off to Tuckborough whenever you wish.' He peered intently at Pippin.

'What is it?' the Thain said, interpreting the look.

Ferdibrand shook his head. 'You have got to be the luckiest hobbit in the Shire.'

'I keep telling him that,' Diamond smiled, twining her arm through her husband's, but Ferdibrand did not smile in return.

'By all rights there ought to be two of you this morning, cousin,' he said soberly.

'That would make it easier to be Thain, now wouldn't it. Could be two places at once,' Pippin said.

'What do you mean, cousin?' Diamond asked.

A look of wonder crossed Ferdibrand's face and his eyes focused on a far away point, seeing something not in the room with them. 'There was a small stump,' he said slowly, making a circle with his two hands, 'not large, but sturdy enough to take the weight of the coach, even strong enough to stand up under that weight for hours.' He looked back to Pippin and Diamond. 'Part of the frame rested on't. Didn't take much for the coach to slip off, just a little jiggle really. A handspan to either side...' he shook his head again, 'just a handspan, cousin, and Tookland would be looking for a new Thain this morning.' He straightened, said, 'Well, I've no time for any more chit chat. Got to see to packing up the coach again.'

'Do we have ponies?' Pippin asked dryly.

'No, I thought I'd pull the coach myself,' Ferdibrand said. 'What kind of question is that?'

'Thank you, Ferdibrand,' Diamond said.

'Right. We can leave just after elevenses if you wish.'

'That'll be fine,' Pippin answered. 'Can't lie about in bed all the day, no matter how good the company is.' Diamond gave him a push and he grinned.

'All right then, I'll see to things,' Ferdibrand said, and left the room.

Soon after the healer breezed in. 'Good morning, Sir, and how did we sleep?'

Pippin eyed him warily. 'I don't know about you, but I slept like a rock until people started rooting under me like a hog after truffles.'

'Fine, fine,' the healer smiled. He looked piercingly at the Thain. 'Those herbs ought to be taking effect soon.'

'They are, thank you,' Pippin admitted. He stretched.

'Well, then, let's take a look at those legs of yourn,' the healer said. He pulled back the covers. Diamond watched the examination closely. 'Looks as if you've come out relatively intact,' was the final verdict.

'Good,' Pippin said, starting to swing his legs to the side of the bed.

His right leg dragged, and the healer came to attention. Without comment, he helped the Thain to sit up. 'Easy, now, Sir, let's take it slow.' When Pippin's feet were firmly on the floor, he rose, frowning with concentration, and would have fallen if the healer had not been on the spot. Easing him back down, Botham said, 'Let's see what the trouble is.' He took a pin from his lapel. 'Now, Sir, I'd like you to lie back and close your eyes whilst we check things out.' He began to poke his way along the left leg, murmuring, 'D'you feel that, now? How about that?'

Diamond watched her husband endure this treatment with unusual restraint, and she began to worry. Something must be truly wrong for him to be so cooperative. The healer finished with the left leg, turning to the right. He patiently went over the leg several times, then sat back, sticking the pin back in his lapel. He proceeded to manipulate the leg, giving orders to the Thain all the while. Finally he helped Pippin to sit up, propping pillows behind him.

'What news do you have for me?' Pippin asked soberly.

'Well, ye can wiggle your toes, that's something,' said the healer. 'No bones are broken that I can tell, though I could feel an old break, long healed.' Pippin nodded. 'What does the leg feel like?'

'Like it's asleep. Some pins and needles, just not the one you poked into me.'

The healer nodded. 'That's an encouraging sign. Let's try again, see if it'll take your weight.' He eased the Thain over to the side of the bed, steadied him as he rose. Diamond held her breath; he was standing. She started to let the breath out, only to see the treacherous leg fold beneath him, threatening to spill him to the floor but for the healer's firm grasp.

Pippin sat down again, raising a trembling hand to rub the back of his neck. 'Well,' he said. 'We seem to have a problem.'


End file.
